Fourth

So I am sitting here, once again battling with myself over going to my art class. I really enjoy the people in it, they are fun and I have some good friends there, but I am failing and I hate dealing with the teacher... I paid for it! Right? So why do I let it make me so miserable? I'm terrified of confrontation. I can't do the amount of work required by me. I want to drop the class so so so badly. But then so many people would get mad at me... But I can't afford it! I can't buy more art supplies, I can't buy fruit to draw! Hell, I will be lucky if I can buy some more Happy Pills, and we all know how badly I need that.

I don't know why I thought an art class would be cake for me. True, I have kinda sorta learned a few things, but I'm so unhappy about it. Art is a personal thing--I have never been able to create art on demand. This is stressing me out so bad I have acne, damnit. I haven't had zits since high school! But if I drop this art class, as I so desperately want to do, many many people will be mad at me. I could just drop it and go somewhere for three hours every Thursday for the next two weeks, but I want to be truthful. I don't like to lie. But I don't like people being mad at me either. I wish my mom's phone wasn't dead so I could talk to her about it. Rob is being no help. I have the window open, Drop/Withdraw chosen, and all I have to do is click Process. But I fear the repercussions sooo much. But I don't think it is possible for me to pull and F up in two weeks, and I am so miserable there I don't want to go...and yes, I am making excuses. I am a failure, this I know. There has not been a single semester of school that I didn't drop a class, or fail a class, or both.

I wish I had more will, more gumption.

I haven't done art since high school. Sure, a thing here or there, but nothing amazing or to the same degree as I used to. I went to my high school's art show today to support some old friends, and it made me think about my lack of artsy ness. I call myself an artkid, but when was the last time I proved it? I am failing my art class. Go artkid, go! I want to paint and draw and Photograph and do all these things I used to do, but yet again, I don't do it. I sit around this computer, going from page to page, logging on wow and walking around. Since it seems I am skipping my art class, I could pull out my binder and do some art that I so miss doing, but wouldn't that just hypocrite myself up? I'm such a hypocrite. I wish that I was better. I'm sick of being moderately good at so many things. I would give up so much to be AMAZING at just one.

I strive for nothing, and it ruins me.